Saturday, August 20, 2005

Libya's Gaddafi Invites Bush and Condie Over to His Place for a Visit

Act I Scene 1: Living Room at President George W. Bush's Crawford Ranch. The President is pacing back and forth in front of a roaring fire (despite temperatures in the high 90s outside). In his hand is a little black book. He appears to be muttering to himself:

"Let's see. My social calendar is really filled up this month. I don't know. On Wednesday I could either go out to dinner with Mom or....or.....I know! I'll take old Muammar up on his invitation to check out his place over in Tripoli!

"Not that he's an old friend or anything....but maybe it wouldn't hurt for me to schmooze a little with my new ally in the war against global terrorism.....or whatever it is that I'm calling it these days!

I mean, come on, Gaddafi has been visited by just about everyone else.... that Canadian Prime Minister (what's his name......oh, yeah) Paul Martin? And Tony Blair, Gerhard Schroeder, Jacques Chirac and that Italian guy....the Prime Minister... Silvio Bertalucci? Benadryl? Ber...Ber.....I know this.....Berloscini? Yes! Now I remember! Berlusconi! Silvio Berlusconi! What a name! Almost as bad as what's-his-name over there in Pakistan....Musharrif? or Musharriff? or Mushariff? or Mubarak? No....that's not right....

What? I.....oh, Gaddafi....yeah...I knew that! An invitation to visit historic Libya! Home of Hannibal Lector and the Carthag......that place that fought the pubic wars with was in that Patton movie.....George C. Scott with those pearl handled revolvers that were really ivory since pearl handles would have been wimpy....or is it Tunisia?

Hannibal with the elephants.....I wonder if there are any elephants in Libya? Maybe I should go and find out. I could call it one of those "fact finding" junkers....ah....junks....junkets...that's it....junkets that the Congress people get to go on all the time. And there's oil, of course. And sand. Lots of sand. And camels and tents and oases (or is that oasises? I never could figure that out) and maybe I could see a mirage? or is that a French fighter jet?

Well, I can always count on Mom....but I'm running a little short on friends in the Middle East these days. Ummmm.....I don't Libya in the Middle East? I know its in North Africa somewhere, but Egypt is in North Africa and everybody says that it's in the Middle East and Lybia is somewhere near there....or is that Sudan?....

Oh, and Condie is invited to go too? What about Laura? Hey, Laura! Do you want to go with me to Libya and see Gaddafi next Wednesday? We got a real nice invitation! Maybe we should both go. I mean, good neighbors make for good....for good....or is it something about fences?

But Condie...I'm not so sure about her. The Sudanese guys pushed her around....she told me that...or did I read it somewhere? And the Sudanese are sort of like Libyans aren't they? They're Arab, right? And Muslim? Yes...I remember...that's the religion of peace....yes....that's what they say! Or what I say...or someone says was me. I remember. I said it. Peace....

Well, we all have a bad day now and again and I'm sure that Muammar didn't really mean to blow up that Pan Am plane over Lockerbie.....maybe over the water or something.....but not so it fell down on a school and hurt people on the ground. I'm sure he was really sorry about that part of it.

Anyway, he 'fessed up to it and paid out a lot of money and stuff and even said he was sorry.....I think. And....Weapons of Mass Destruction! He had them, didn't he? Or maybe he was just thinking about getting them....or did that cruise missile really hit a pharmaceutical supply building? Anyway, he doesn't have any now....and that's what least that's what he told us....and he wants to be friends now. That's a good thing.

I think that maybe I'll go. After four or five weeks here at the ranch and with all those folks down the road making all that fuss and noise and stuff......well.....I could really use a good vacation!

I wonder.....are there any golf courses in Libya? Man....I can just imagine the sand traps they must have! Wow! Uh....sand? ......uh....traps? Why does that make me think of Iraq?

Iraq.....Iraq.....I don't think I could handle one more of those. Maybe I should go and just make sure we stay on Lybia's "A" List. "A" ...... bomb? or Nucular? No....I knew it....I was just joking's "nuclear," right?

OK, I'll go.....but I sure hope I don't have to eat one of those sheep's eyeballs like Michael, he was the bad guy.....or was he the good guy? Who am I trying to think of....Lawrence.....Peter O'Toole!....who had to eat that sheep's eyeball in Lawrence of Arabia....yuck!

(The President exits, still muttering, to the that....I mean the right....always to the right! Oh, shut up!.....Did I say that? I did? Oh.....well....OK., I will!)