Thursday, January 04, 2007

Los Angeles Prepares for Mass Evacuation In Response To Doomsday Prediction

Most people simply laugh at Pat Robertson when he claims prophetic revelations from God. But, by unanimous vote, the Los Angels City Council last night decided that it wasn't going to take any chances.

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On Tuesday, Robertson declared that, during a recent prayer retreat, God had told him that there would be a massive terrorist attack on the United States in 2007 that would result in "mass killings" in "major cities" affecting "millions of people." According to Robertson the attack will take place "sometime after September."

"I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear," he said during his news-and-talk television show "The 700 Club" on the Christian Broadcasting Network. "The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that."

Hickock Williams Wilde, a member of the Los Angeles City Council, said that the Council could not, in good conscience, ignore this potential disaster prediction.

"It could happen," he said. "We have to keep the best interests of the good people of LA as our highest priority. If it means moving them all to Eastern Nevada for a few weeks this coming Fall then that is what we will have to do to keep everybody safe and secure."

Fellow Councilmember, LaShawn Trujillo, added that, "From my perspective, this whole issue revolves around the Bush administration's lies about WMDs and their racist policies against affirmative action and immigration. That's why so many disenfrachised young Muslims are so angry at the United States and why so many of them expect Israel to do something terrible that will point the blame on them instead of revealing the truth about the money-grubbing, oil-craving, air-polluting, Haliburton-loving corrupt-Republican leadership we have had in Washington D.C. for the last six years."

Los Angeles City Council Chair Phillipe Gas├žon agreed, adding that, "The Rev. Dr. Robertson has made many such predictions over the years and backed up his claims by saying, 'I have a relatively good track record.'

"Last May Robertson said that God told him storms and possibly a tsunami were to crash into America's coastline in 2006. We didn't get hit with a tsunami, but last spring's heavy rains and flooding in New England seemed to confirm that what the Lord had told him was right on the money. I, for one, was convinced, and the rest of the Council agreed that we shouldn't take any chances."
When asked for a comment, Los Angeles Mayor Barbie Streidant confessed that, while she wasn't convinced that the City Council's decision was the correct one to make, it seemed obvious that Robertson must have been thinking of Los Angeles when he used the phrase "major city."

"There may be other 'major cities' in the country," she said, using her fingers to make quotation marks aroung the words, 'major cities,' "but only LA fits that description in the full sense of that phrase."
Preparations are already being made to create the world's largest parking lot just south of Ely, Nevada. A city spokesperson added that they are also trying to find enough tents and porta-potties to accommodate everyone.

The LA City Transporation Department also issued a statement assuring everyone that, even during the evacuation period, all of the area's freeways would be left open for anyone who might be driving north from Mexico.