UCLA Defeats #2 Ranked "Mystery Team"

UCLA was supposed to play #2 Ranked USC this afternoon in the Rose Bowl but USC never showed up for the game.

The team on the field wore maroon and gold uniforms and the band played the USC Trojans fight song over and over but it remains a mystery who it was, exactly, who were inside those uniforms. Rumors abound with some of the more plausible being as follows:

1. The entire USC team was abducted by aliens shortly after their powerful and assertive win over Notre Dame last weekend and were replaced by ET imitations created by George Lucas' Industrial Sound and Light, Inc.

2. An NCAA II-A team snuck into the USC locker room before the UCLA game, tied them up and played in their place.

3. A University of Michigan Assistant Coach (or, according to a variation of this rumor, a University of Florida Assistant Coach) poured some unidentified substance into the USC Gatorade prior to the game. It is the opinion of some medical experts in the field of pharmacology that, from the effect the substance had on the USC players, the substance may have been liquid morphine, liquid opium or simply a distilled form of tryptophan made from uneaten turkey left-over from last week's Thanksgiving celebrations.

The results of lab tests on USC urine samples should settle this mystery in the next few days.

UPDATE: I have removed the final two paragraphs of the original post. I deemed them to be too insulting even for satire!